Waking up is a journey back to your true nature, the soul. While the soul is always there, to fully know it means to relinquish the layers of the conditioned self. It’s not an easy path. It’s one that could be triggered by many things. One of those events could be the meeting of your twin flame.
Meeting your twin flame is incredible. What ensues after that meeting is absolutely heart wrenching. The heart wrenching experience of knowing your twin flame is your path to liberation. They will trigger you in every way imaginable. Creating space to move through these triggers allows for the conditioned self, the ego, to dissolve. As you are liberated, you start to experience abundance and peace in all areas of your life. I’m so excited for you.
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I just had a flashback. Days after meeting my twin flame, I remember telling him I was going to write a book about my life. There I was, in a foreign country, laptop in hand, looking for the equivalent of an American cafe to write in. I found a place, sat down, and stared a blank screen, realizing I had nothing to say about my life.
Now, nearly seven years later, I have so much to share. The dramatic and passionate moments; well, I won’t be giving too many of those away. The words that I hope to share are meant to support, guide, and give insight to anyone who is going through a spiritual awakening. It’s a road that I have cursed many times, but I am here to tell you, it will lead to gorgeous destinations. What catalyzed my spiritual awakening was meeting my twin flame and then being separated from him for years. The agony of that separation and everything that it involved led to the dying of the ego and the emergence of my soul. This blog, however, is not only for twin flames. It is for anyone who identifies with waking up spiritually and/or living through painful and even toxic relationship dynamics. So, my first message in my first blog post is going to be the most important message of all: You are not alone. I felt utterly alone through much of this journey. None of my close friends or relatives, or distant ones for that matter, had any idea what I was really going through because they couldn’t relate. Isolation, to some extent, is actually necessary during a spiritual awakening; in particular, during the dark night of the soul phase, which can last months and even years. But even in your darkest moments, I want you to remember: You are not alone. There is a power greater than you that is guiding and protecting you on this journey. At some point, I believe, you will learn to call out to this power, whatever name you choose to give it, and this power will always be ready for you. And with time, you will emerge stronger, more powerful, more abundant, and with more joy and love than you thought possible. This may sound impossible to believe, but it is true. I am here to provide some comfort on this arduous and painful journey. Because it is. If you have met your twin flame, you will go through hell. There is no bypass. But you can learn to hold and love yourself as you free yourself from the layers of the ego, finally opening up to the great universal love that was always available. I am so happy for you. The first time my twin flame pulled away from me I went from being a sane, independent, strong, rational person to an absolute madwoman. And we weren’t even into our separation phase yet. He simply canceled plans at the last minute. Normally such behavior would elicit some feelings of disappointment, sadness, or a little anger. But no, I absolutely lost my mind. To the point where I was throwing things across the room before going online and booking the next flight out of town.
What happened? I promise you, I had never had such an intense inner reaction to such a small event, and I was surprising myself because I truly didn’t know why I was acting in such a way. Sure, I can be a bit hotheaded, but this felt like lunacy. I barely knew this person. At the time, I did not know this was my twin flame, I didn’t even know what twin flames were. Now looking back, I have a clear explanation for what happened, which I want to share with you in case you have felt this way. Twin flames have the same soul. When you first meet this person it is the most delightful experience ever. There is an almost immediate connection and closeness. You fall hard and fast. For whatever reason, the experience is a little different for the divine feminine. For some reason, she tends to fall harder and hold on tighter (my personal explanation for this is that she sees how special this connection is). There is a lot of obsessive thinking about divine masculine. This makes him pull away every time. After a bit of push and pull, there is a period of separation where divine masculine might disappear completely. The first time mine pulled away, as I described earlier, it was unbearable for my mind because I was already completely addicted to this person. Addiction is the word to use, because that is exactly what happens. The mind gets completely addicted to this person because with him there is complete oneness, peace and ecstasy. Easy to get used to, right? The person becomes an addiction because one would naturally want more of those feelings, just like taking a hit from a very powerful drug. And what you spend so much time suffering from is a mental addiction and an underlying belief that the only way to feel oneness is to have that person by your side. You think about them incessantly. You might even stalk them online, or call and text obsessively. Or, you might just sit at home and weep inconsolably, which is what I did. I will come back to the original message here, which is you are not crazy if you are going through this. Though you feel so much aching in your heart and your body, the mind is actually the source of your suffering. The mind created the belief, pretty quickly, that you needed this person. And it is a belief that it will hold on to for a long time. It will cause you to experience an incredible amount of rejection from divine masculine and tons of mental anguish. It will cause you to chase this person, which also leads to more suffering. So, what should you do? First of all, hold yourself. You are going through something very intense. All the energy you want to put into loving him, chasing him, and showing him how special he is, I am going to ask you to redirect that energy back to yourself. That can be almost impossible to hear if you are new to this journey. But, at some point it will make sense. And it will work, because you will start to feel better. I will get into more specific practices that may help you in future posts, but for now, I want you to know that you are not crazy. That if you have, in fact, met your twin flame, it is a wild ride like no other. You will certainly experience higher highs and lower lows than you thought imaginable. Over time, it will balance out and you will manifest an incredible life along the way. But, most importantly, if you have met your twin flame it is because you are meant to wake up in this lifetime. Meeting your twin will catalyze that awakening. I believe that was always the most intelligent message I could keep telling myself when I was angry, depressed, or out of my mind. There is a higher purpose and a bigger picture, and sometimes that is the only thing that makes sense. The alarm went off at 5:00 AM. By 5:05, I was already telling people off in my head. Hating on people for seemingly no reason. The next move was the most important move I made all day. I sat down where I meditate each day in silence, following my breath and watching my thoughts. Within 5 minutes, something incredible happened. I started to see a familiar self-hating energy moving through my core. I knew this energy well. I realized that this was the seed for whatever hate I wanted to spew out on others. Over the next few minutes, this energy dissolved. After sitting, I felt fine, actually great. My energy was buoyant for the rest of the day, and I felt kindness and love towards others.
You can imagine that without that meditation session, I could have been in a horrible mood for most of the day, taking it out on the people around me. And this is one of my arguments for a daily spiritual practice, especially if you are going through an awakening. A spiritual practice can ground you when you are feeling too high and floaty, and it can balance you when your emotions have taken over. But, most importantly, it is so helpful, and I would say necessary, to have a practice for watching the mind, because not all of your thoughts are true, and many are repetitive and even obsessive. This is especially true if you have met your twin flame. Obsession will follow and it doesn’t fade with time. It requires a spiritual practice. I want to add that anyone who knows anything about meditation will say the following: meditation is not about controlling your thoughts and it is not about stopping your thoughts. For those who say “I can’t meditate because my mind is out of control” I say, exactly. And to give you some perspective, when I started meditating 12 years ago, well before meeting my twin flame, I started with just 2 minutes. It was brutal. Now, I can meditate for hours (with breaks) if time permits and if I feel called to do so. Spiritual practice could be silent meditation, it could be yoga, prayer, or chanting. You have to know yourself and find what works for you. To me, a worthy spiritual practice is one that allows me to go within and love and accept all of what I see, and it is a practice that allows me to feel more connected to a higher power. Calling out to a higher power was the only thing that got me through the hardest moments of my awakening. And I absolutely still regularly commune with what I call God. These communications include gratitude, and always asking for guidance, wisdom, and love. Meditation is my primary practice that allows me to expand beyond the thinking, obsessive mind and feel a deeper connection to God. A spiritual awakening, whether it was catalyzed by meeting your twin flame or some other event, is an incredibly intense and volatile time that requires lots of self love. I don’t know any better way to truly love yourself than to spend some quiet time alone each day. And, you probably desire it anyways. Before I get into the “G” word, I want to say that I was once the biggest skeptic of this word, and I had completely rejected organized religion. I still struggle with organized religion, but on my spiritual path, I have certainly learned to call out to God, and regularly.
The reason why I want to discuss this is the same reason I share anything, that it might help someone going through a difficult time. My disclaimer at the beginning is just to say that I am not promoting any religion here, and one does not need to be a part of an organized religion to know God. I learned to call out to God in my darkest moments and the only reason being was that was all that was left. The mind could no longer find satisfaction with anything. There was no one running in to save me from my own pain. God was what was left. And that was the point. So I learned over time (I have been an extremely slow learner on the spiritual path, I blame that on my thick egoic walls) to ask God into my life regularly instead of just waiting for the next crisis or meltdown. And it worked. One short prayer I use is: “God, I need you. God, please fill me with your love. Please guide me. Please bless anyone who crosses my path today. Thank you.” I might add a bit more, but that’s it. It took me a long time to ask God for love, but I realized that that was what was missing. In fact I had been looking for that love in all sorts of places, including from my twin flame (especially from my twin flame) which was only creating a painful situation when I didn’t get it. The beautiful thing about God’s love is it is always ready and available, and it fills me completely. Some might say that God is not separate from us, so we don’t need to speak to God as a separate entity. I agree that God is not separate, but my experience was that God felt separate until I was ready to let God in. And that was and is a choice I make every day, to let God in. And it makes all the difference. I am a long time meditator, and I will probably always find time for meditation, but what are we seeking through meditation? Peace of mind, relaxation in the body, love in the heart. I can feel all of that pretty instantaneously when I remember to ask God into my life. So, here is a bit of a paradox. Because I always say that there is no bypass, but perhaps the “bypass” is just going straight to God. I know that I had to suffer. And suffer. And suffer some more before I could surrender enough of my life to God. And then some more. And then all of it. Because I was stubborn, in my ego. I was interested in being at peace and interested in being in love, but not interested in God. So, I took the long road. Maybe you don’t have to. Perhaps suffering is necessary, to some extent, because it brings us to our knees to complete surrender and faith in a higher power and perhaps we would not get to that point without suffering. Perhaps through suffering we learn strength, we learn resilience, we learn wisdom and discernment. The modern world does not teach surrender, it teaches quite the opposite. I know I had to be worn down completely, but what would have happened if I had just let God in from the beginning? Who knows. Dark night of the soul is a misleading term, because by no means does it all happen in one night, at least not for most people. I would say my dark night of the soul was a phase that I went through, off and on, for about a year and a half. But, I can say there was a climax, one night in particular, that was the worst, and also the beginning of brighter days.
It was a night at the end of a tumultuous week. Nothing was going right. I was seriously concerned about my ability to pay my bills or even take care of myself, in general. I was mired in shame and spiralling downward more each day. I’m not going to sugar coat this, during the entire dark night of the soul period, I had asked for death many, many times. But, this night in particular, I was starting to fantasize about it. Somehow, I knew I had to stop this trajectory or I was in trouble. Prior to this moment, I was in the regular habit of talking to God, asking for help and guidance. It was the only light in my life at times, it was what kept me going. I’m not a religious person, but I took a lot of comfort in talking with God after my awakening had been triggered. Well, this particular night, this climax of an entire dark night of the soul period of my life, I asked God for something new: I asked God for love. Bizarre as it may seem, I had never asked God to just love me. But there was a chasm within me, waiting to be filled, and that was all it took. I’m not going to say that every day after that was shining bliss, but there was a serious shift in how I felt about myself and my life. I was uplifted. This is actually not easy for me to share, especially publicly. The reason I am sharing this is that you might have a night, or many nights like this. I do believe that what we deeply crave is universal love, but we try to get it through human love, which doesn’t quite satisfy. Humans are limited, and there will be disappointment. Human relationships are beautiful to have, and we need them. But when we try to get all of our need for love from a few people, we might eventually find ourselves in deep, deep pain. There was a lot more to this pain, there was childhood pain and trauma, there were the collective wounds of being a woman. Healing is certainly a part of this journey. But, it is so much easier to heal, to love, and to live when we can call on a higher power to love us. Self love becomes natural once we open up to a love that is greater than we are. It is called the dark night of the soul because we go through the darkness to get to the soul. At some point, you will go through your deepest fears and darkest memories. You will have to have the courage to move through all of this. A wise teacher of mine likes to say, “the only way out is through”. There is no bypass. But, you have the courage to do it, otherwise you would not be on this journey. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out to someone, or to a hotline, if you need to talk with someone. You will have the wisdom to know when to talk and when to sit in solitude. Always listen to that wisdom. It was a Tuesday night. I had just finished teaching my class and now I was sitting on my couch, grinning from ear to ear. I was in a state of desirelessness. At that moment, I could not find any desire for my twin flame, or for anything for that matter. Desirelessness might sound blah, but it is actually bliss. It lasted for hours. I woke up the next morning, back into the regular push and pull of life, wondering where that elevated state had gone. It was a fleeting taste of true oneness, a taste I had had the pleasure of experiencing many times. In a way, those fleeting moments can become the carrot that we chase on a spiritual journey.
A spiritual journey, I believe, is a process of uncovering all of the layers to determine who it is we really are. For me, each time I started to pull back the layers, I found the same thing at the core: a small, separate, lonely, scared self. That self was the source of my pain, my attachments, my fears. Meeting my twin flame created the most intense attachment, of course. This is by design. But that attachment was not soul driven; it was driven by the small self, essentially, the ego. And so, I used to think that I had to release my attachments in order to release my suffering. That is one method, and it can work to an extent. But what I found to be so much more useful was to get in touch with that small self. To drop in. And as I dropped in, and gave that small self room to breathe and move, like all energies that at one point felt trapped in my body, it started to move out. It started to dissolve. That’s because it’s not real, the ego is not real, it only feels real. And when it starts to dissolve, we merge back into oneness. Most twin flames who are separated, especially those identifying as the divine feminine in the dynamic, are trying to figure out how to get their twin flame back. A lot of mental energy is focused on that purpose, until it is too exhausting and heartbreaking. That’s when the real work begins. Looking inward. It doesn’t all happen in a day, and I don’t ever want to leave the impression that this is a quick journey or that there is a quick fix. But I do know that the more we devote to our inner work, the more we feel whole and complete. And we will go back and forth, between separation and wholeness, until it becomes automatic to remember how to get back to that which you truly are. That is what happens when divine feminine stops chasing divine masculine; she goes within, and begins her true journey back to the soul. Specific practices are helpful. First and foremost, meditation. Meditation creates the space to allow all that is; the thoughts, feelings, and limiting beliefs, in order to feel less identified with them. Another practice I have found very helpful is EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tapping. This has allowed me to process and release loads of fear, anger, shame, and overall conditioning in relatively short periods of time. It’s intense, it’s an acceleration, it’s free and there have been hundreds of scientific studies that show how incredibly effective it is. Forgiveness is a practice I have had to come back to from time to time. Sometimes, we believe that we have forgiven ourselves or others, just to realize that we are still holding the pain of the past. It is not possible to hold the pain of the past and to be free. I would never suggest working on forgiving someone without at the same time compassionately holding and nurturing yourself through the process, and fully acknowledging the hurt, both yours and theirs. To ignore the hurt in this process seems self abusive- it’s forced forgiveness and it won’t stick. The last practice that I personally suggest is movement, whatever form of movement you prefer: yoga, walking, running, dance. This further helps to release stuck energies, and it is joyful to use the body in such ways. The great irony is that once you know oneness, you no longer care if he is coming back, because you are so complete and at peace. And, of course, that is the moment he comes back. |
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